[Vnbiz] Wife teaches hubby fiery lesson = A 'flaming hot' issue in Vietnam?

[Tea (Tuy-Phuong) LeTran]

Dear anh Shane, Huong, and CACC,

Anh Shane oi, the X's story is a senseless tragedy and it makes me feel so
sad.  My heart goes out to both the father and the daughter.  May she rest
in peace and may he find comfort in helping others when working with you.

To take a closer look and examine the lives of these 3 people (X, the
'amorous' man, the father) at a different angle objectively, perhaps they
are just victims of a brutal domestic culture that has been in place long
before their time.

History shows that Chinese dominated Vietnam for over 1000 years.
Their domestic culture was a man with a first wife and a number of
minor wives and concubines.  The length of their domination over Vietnam
surely affected a good part of the Vietnamese culture/social structures that
we inherited.  We Vietnamese followed this tradition until the French took
over and brought with them Christianity's teachings and the monogamy culture
that later influenced Vietnamese policy makers under president Ngo^ -Di`nh
Die^.m's leadership, making it into law to govern domestic issues and
changing Vienamese family and social structure from that point forward.

The polygamy culture from the Chinese tradition has rooted in the VNmese
society so deep for thousand of years, ruled by men.  Being dependent and
didn't have much privileges to advance themselves, the VNmese women had no
other choice but to be submissive to the male domination society in order
for them to have a "financially secured" life.
 .
Before the monogamy culture was signed into law in Southern of VN in the
60's by Madame Ngo^ -Di`nh Nhu, there were many modern independent VNmese
women already struggled fighting to change the polygamy culture continiously
imposed on them.  But the monogamy culture didn't really take
of until Madame Ngo^ -Di`nh Nhu legalized it into law (So, "Ba` Nhu Law").
 Only by then, the monogamy culture came in full swing and became South
Vietnam's most beneficial family law in VN history.  (I think in the North,
monogamy was required much earlier, when the Communist took over in 1954.
Can someone confirm?)

To her credit, Madame Nhu opened a brand new door for the modern independent
Southern Vietnamese women to be able to have their own families and
making changes in accordance to their desire and needs, and from this point
forward, the Southern VNmese women learned the true values of monogamy
culture and they no longer have to put up with the "girlfriend culture" was
imposed on them by their men.

In the Southern of Vietnam since "Ba` Nhu Law", there were family laws to
protect the legitimate wives and children of legally married couples and the
adulterous husband/wife/ minor wife/girlfriend were punished.  The Southern
society have been recognizing families being benefits from the monogamy
culture, they embraced that culture and changed accordingly
and treated the ones who committed adultery with not much respect. This
culture change phenomenon since then, has revolutionized the
Vietnamese family structures to the modern days.

But despite the culture changes taking place around the nation in this era,
a numbers of men and young girls/women continued practicing the "girlfriend
culture" in private.

In the VNmese culture, a "virtuous/ethical" girl would behave
honorably by saving herself under her family protection, and wait until the
day she get marry to give herself to her husband.  If anything out of this
order and she gets pregnant, she would be seriously considered a disgrace
to her family and would be outcast by everyone in her
family/hometown/village.

No doubt X is a victim of her own desires and deeds.

Her father also is a victim of a strict culture of keeping face and honor
within his family/neighbors/ friends, from being disgrace because of his out
of wedlock pregnant rebellious daughter.  Here he let societal norms crush a
father's natural love for his daughter.

The "amorous" man is a victim of his selfishness, self-center, male power
culture (left over from generations before him), who cares only for his own
pleasure and disregards everything else in his path.  Society has brought
him  up that way.  But, allowance for ignorance aside, the man is still the
offender by abusing the love of a girl and not taking any moral or legal
responsibility for that.

Should this story bring us (VNmese and foreigners alike) back to the biggest
question of the social issue affecting so many lives in such a wasting way
for years in VN?

Perhaps X should be brought up in an environment that teaches her how to
values herself as an individual, and be more intelligent about dealing with
man.  Knowing the man's background well before committing herself, and
making sure she is knowledgeable enough to require him to take
responsibility if she carries his child.

Perhaps the father should be advised to be more humane, unselfish,
forgiving, considerate and compassionate.  To love his daughter
unconditionally.  To forgive his daughter because she's only human, not to
be so hung up so much by his own pride and saving face.  To understand that
the unborn child is his own blood regardless.  To support his daughter for
she needs his support and guidance.  To be happy to embrace his grand child
because a child is a blessing from God and children are pure happiness all
around.  I can't help but picture a happy scenario, grandfather reading
stories to his grand kid, with icecream in hand smearing all over the faces
of the two.

Perhaps the "amorous" married man should be raised in an environment
teaching moral values, responsibility, loyalty, unselfishness, considerate
and compassionate.  To be married is to take responsibility.  To be loyal,
to love, and to honor his wife.  To morally be role model for his children
and his family.  To used his status and money to lured young girl into his
bed for his pleasure is wrong.  To make the girl pregnant and then deny the
child is his is cruel and inhumane.  To intentionally destroy another human
life is irresponsible, incompassionate and inconsiderate.  Would X and her
unborn child still be alive if this "amorous" rich man lives his life
accordingly?

The question is, what are we going to do about this so that we can prevent
the same thing happen in the future?  What are we willing to do as
individuals to change the road to the future as to being role models for our
young kids?  Should we initiate changes beginning with ourselves first?  I
believe the answer is in our hands.

As I said earlier, our society should take the initiative, and our
government should enforce it with new laws.  However, the change within us
individually is what can be done immediately, without the need for budget,
debate, law and court.  Only then, the quality of the Vietnamese
faminly life will prosper and grow, and will produce more worthy characters
for the our society.

Great day!  Be well and be safe everyone.

TP



On Mon, Apr 14, 2008 at 4:32 PM, Shane Wall <
shane.wall at translingualexpress.com> wrote:

> [ Vietnam Business Forum ]
>
> Thank you Tuy Phuong,
>   Your stories are very illuminating for me as I continue on my long
> 'journey of discovery'.
>
>   I first took this issue "to heart" and started trying to do something
> about it when this happened. This is X's story.
>
>   A bright, intelligent, lovely and effervescent young (21 y.o.) lady,
> she went to school until grade 7. Her parents have even less education.
> They are itinerant farm laborers with seven children.
>
>   After leaving school, X joined her parents to work as an itinerant
> farm laborer. She did that for about five years, all the while maturing
> into a beautiful young woman. Not even 16 yet, she began receiving
> "amorous attention" from an older married man with children from the
> village. At first she totally rejected his advances out of fear [of the
> unknown, i.e. sex/sexuality] and her father's old-fashioned traditional
> values. She took an opportunity to go to Saigon and work in a coffee
> shop run by a woman from the same village. That is where my wife and I
> met her.
>
>   She was a great hostess! Quick-witted, with mischevious sense of
> humor. Her and I would playfully argue over which of us spoke better
> Vietnamese, her or I. She and my wife also became friends.
>
>   She worked here in Saigon for several years, dutifully sending home
> clothes, money, household things to help her family. She worked hard.
> Life was good. Not great, but the work was simple and easy, certainly
> less difficult than farm work, and she had the chance to begin to see
> herself as an attractive young woman. She was always a favorite of the
> (male) customers for her quick wit and "playfulness". But as every
> "cloud has a silver lining", so do "good times hide a darker future".
> The "amorous" man from the village tracked her down ... even years later
> ... and enticed her back to the village [she wouldn't tell me what he
> offered/promised her]. She went back to the village to pick peanuts and
> ???
>
>   She came to Saigon a couple of times after that and even came to
> visit us at home. After that I lost contact with her, but my wife still
> kept in loose contact. About 2 years ago my wife gave me an "update":
> She was pregnant to the "amorous" guy; didn't know she was pregnant,
> just vomiting and generally feeling "strange" and "unwell"; went to
> hospital; discovered she was pregnant; returned from hospital;
> confronted the "amorous" guy, who rejected her and they unborn child;
> not being strong enough to cope with her father or the small-minded
> attitudes of the villagers ... SHE KILLED HERSELF AND THE BABY WITH HER!
>
>   I was so angry that I went to that village the very next day and
> confronted both the father and the "amorous" guy with just one question:
> "Are your needs and values SO important to you that a beautiful young
> girl must kill herself and her unborn child, your child/grandchild?".
> The "amorous" guy denied even knowing her, which is impossible in a
> village of that size. The father just broke down and cried ... and cried
> ... and cried ... and cried. It was obvious that he had  recognized
> himself and his attitude as one of the contributing factors. Now he is
> one of my staunchest and strongest supporters in "empowering girls".
>
>   Slowly but surely, the "amorous" guy is steadily losing his status in
> the village! My message was: 'Money does not equal morals! If it is
> wrong, it is wrong - no matter how much money you have!"
>
>   I'm no social anthropologist, but thanks to bro Phong Phong's
> 'teaching', I can wonder if this phenomena may have come from the
> ancient Chinese practice of mandarins and concubines, or is there
> something uniquely Vietnamese in this which I am yet to discover?
>
> Shane
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Mr. Shane Wall
> Managing Director
>
> Trans Lingual Express
> 188/16 Nguyen Thuong Hien St,
> P.1, Q. Go Vap, HCMC,
> Vietnam
>
> Mail: shane.wall at translingualexpress.com
> Web: www.translingualexpress.com
>
> Ph: +84 (8) 588 1701
>
> Mbl: +84 (090) 9484 753 (English)
> Mbl: +84 (090) 7885 375 (Vietnamese)
>
> --
> Tea (Tuy-Phuong) LeTran
>
> Form is not different from Void, Void is not different from Form
> Form is Void, Void is Form
> (The Great-Wisdom-Beyond-Wisdom Heart Sutra)
>
> Sa('c ba^'t di. Kho^ng, Kho^ng ba^'t di. Sa('c
> Sa('c tu+'c thi. Kho^ng, Kho^ng tu+'c thi. Sa('c
> ( Ba't Nha~ Ta^m Kinh )
>
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