[Vnbiz] [vnbiz] What is/are the secret(s) of success in life?

[Tran Dinh Hoanh]

Dear CACC,

Well, looks like no one other than my little sister CK is taking my
invitation seriously :-(  I just have to try to answer my own question
then.

To everyone who is younger than I am (which means the majority of this
forum):   Answering this kind of question is important to me.  The
reason is that when I was younger I had this kind of question often,
and I searched for help from the older folks, but usually I couldn't
find much help.  I had to struggle to find my own answers for most of
my questions, which made going through life a little more difficult.
So I hope that by sharing some of my thinking and experience with some
younger brothers/sisters out there, I might be able to make life a
little easier for someone.

The problem is,  experience is non-transferable.  You can't really
tell someone who never knows fire that fire may burn him and it will
be painful.  Whatever you say means nothing to him, until he is burnt
by the fire, then he will understand what fire is, what burn is, what
burn pain is.

But we human still tell each other about our experiences, hoping that
the talk will help somehow.  So here is my thinking.

The idea of "success" ultimately has to be a personal idea.  Success
means achieving what we aim to get.  And "aim" or "goal" is a very
personal thing; ultimately it is always our own aim, our own goal.  If
your dad wants you to be a doctor (although you don't really want it)
and you want to please your dad, so you go to medical school and
become a doctor.  Then you have succeeded in fulfilling your dad wish
and making him happy; that was your goal (of making your dad happy).
Whether you would be successful as a doctor is another question.  This
example shows that ultimately our goal in life is still our own
personal goal, even though sometimes it may appear that we simply
fulfill someone else's goal and wishes.

Personal ownership of our goal and personal responsibility for our
goal is the foundation of our life.  So, we need to take charge of
your life and can't blame someone else for our life problems.

Let's define that "success" means "achieving our own goal."  This
ultimately translates to personal happiness (when you achieve our goal
we will be happy, at least for the moment).

But the million-dollar-question question is:  How do I know what goal
or goals I should have for my life?

As we all experience, most of the time we don't know what our goal is
or should be.  Most of us kinda float through life with strange and
unexpected events jumping at us from all directions and leading us
into new and unknown roads often enough.  What goals?!!

At this juncture, we need to take a break and talk about the nature of
life:  "Life is a river."   (This is no novel idea.  The Greek
philosopher Heraclitus has said "You can never step into the same
river twice" to describe the changing nature of life)

Now let me add to this ancient idea my own idea:  "Life is a river and
each one of us is a fish in the river."

Life is a river because it is ever-flowing and ever-changing.

We live in life (or through life), therefore we are in the (life) river.

The above two sentences very much define the nature of our life.
Since we are just a fish in the river, our life, our fate and our
destiny depends largely on the river itself.  A fish will be where the
river leads it.  The fish cannot change the river.  The fish is pulled
along by the river.  The river largely determines the fate of the
fish.

This is the "uncontrollable" element of our life, since we cannot do
much to alter the course of the river.  We cannot do much to avoid a
war or a tsunami or an earthquake.  These things, when they happen,
they affect our life greatly.  We as individuals can't avoid them.
This uncontrollable element generates the "uncertainty" of life, the
"unknown of our future," the "chances" that something unexpected will
happen to us tomorrow.  This uncontrollable element is so large in our
life that we call it "God's will" or "the fruit of previous lives" or
vo^ thu+o+`ng (non-permanence) or simple "crazy coincidences" (for the
folks who do not believe in anything supernatural).  Whatever we call
it, we have to realize that life is full of uncertainty, full of
unexpected events, full of changes, full of chances (as Forrest Gump
said, "Life is a box of chocolate.  You never know what you will get
next.").

Understanding the nature of uncertainty about life ( vo thuong) is
very important in going through life.  Like riding a motorcycle,
nothing is certain on the road.  People and traffic keep coming at
you, and you keep moving left, moving right, slowing down, speeding
up, to avoid hitting people and to move ahead.  Sometimes you even
have to abandon a street and turn into another street to avoid a
traffic jam.  Riding a motorcycle means dealing with uncertainty and
constantly adjusting your movements to that ever-changing uncertainty.

Living is similar.  You may have a goal or a plan, but things change
(like war, a death in the family, an accident, or simply your change
of heart) and these may make your goal and your plan no-longer
important, or no-longer interesting, or no-longer meaningful, or
no-long attainable.  In other words, the river has carried you, the
fish, into new bend, a new lake.  Then you have to be quick to change
along, just like a good driver maneuvers his motorcycle quickly on the
road.  You may need to drop your old goal and create a new goal for
the new circumstances.

In other words, because life is non-permanent (vo thuong), you need to
be non-attaching ( vo chap).  Don't attach yourself to the old,
obsolete goals.  Move to a new goal whenever new circumstances
require.  You have planned to be a doctor, now the new circumstances
are that it may make more sense for you to drop that goal and be a
marketing agent to make money to feed your brothers/sisters at home.
Did you fail in your goal to be a doctor?  No. You have just changed
that goal into a new goal of making good money to feed your family and
you are successful at that new goal.

This concept about life changes and corresponding changes in our goals
is important, because many people will think that when they fix a goal
they have to stick (attach) to it at any price and if they don't, they
have failed in their goal.

Understanding life uncertainty also gives us the artful ability to be
flexible and to change quickly through life, like a fish adapts itself
quickly to a new part of the river, a new lake, a new fall, a new
muddy rapid, a new stormy part. The better we adapt ourselves to new
circumstances in life, the more successful we will be.

So we have moved from the concept of life changes to the
recommendation that we are quick to adapt to those changes.  And that
leads to the answer to the question "What goal or goals I should set
for myself?"  The answer is:  (1)  Ask your heart.  Goal is a personal
matter.  Only your heart knows your goal.  Ask your heart for a goal.
What goal you like the most, feel attracted to the most, feel
comfortable about the most, feel happy with the most?  That is your
goal. And (2) be ready to drop that goal and create a new goal when
your thinking or circumstances changes, so that you will have a new
goal that you heart will be happy under the new circumstances.

Most people are unhappy going through like because they do not
understand the changing nature of life and are so rigid in their goal.
 At the age of 10, he sets his mind to be a doctor, and circumstances
30 years later make him unable to become a doctor, therefore he feels
miserable all his life for "being a failure." Come on!  He has failed
to understand life's changing nature, has failed to change his goal
along, and has failed to set up a more meaningful goal for himself.
That is where his failure is.

We have just moved from life's changing nature (which we cannot
control) to our own ability to change along (which we can control).
That is where our "controllable element" comes into play.  We cannot
control life events, but we can control our ability to deal with those
events.  The fish cannot change the course of the river, but it has
the ability learn different ways of swimming, to deal with different
kinds of water flows, to survive the river in the storm, to adapt to
new lakes and new ponds when the river carries it there.

This controllable element is where our human capacity comes into play.
 We cannot change the course of life events, but we may learn how to
react to it proactively, positively  and successfully.  We may not be
able to stop a storm, but we may learn to protect our house in a
storm, or to evacuate to a better ground, or even to do good business
relying in stormy weather.  Our ability to change life events is
almost zero, but our ability to react to these events positively and
productively is huge.  We may not be able determine where the river of
life may carry us to, but we may very well be able to determine our
personal success wherever the river may place us.  The problem is not
whether the river will go through torrents and falls (It will for
sure!); the problem is whether the fish is smart and strong enough to
survive and even to enjoy the falls and the torrents.

And this human ability comes mostly from an open mind and a positive
attitude.  The open mind gives us the ability to try and know many
things, many cultures, many people, many friends, and therefore many
experiences.  The open mind has no prejudice, has no attachment to
"this thing is bad, this guys is bad, I don't want anything to do with
it, anything to with him."   People with open mind are always humble,
always soft and always... open.

The positive attitude gives us the mental vigor to move over
obstacles, the happiness to  be strong every day, and the attraction
to attract many friends as our allies.  People with these things are
usually successful.

In short, I think the secret to success in life is in a couple of points:

1.  Understand that our life is our own life and our goal is our own goal.
2.  Life is ever-changing.  We need to be able to change along,
including changing our goals.
3. Life changes are mostly out of our control.
4.  We cannot control life but we can control our reaction to life changes.
5.  If we train ourselves to be non-attachment, so that we can change
along with life.  If we have an open mind and a positive attitude
(about our self, about life, about others around us) to deal with life
changes and with the world and people around us positively, we will be
successful in our goals.

(Note: When we are open-minded and are positive about life, we will be
humble and gentle with everyone, including people who may hurt us.
This is the test for you to know if you are truly open-minded and
positive).

As they say, we never stop learning in life.  So this will not be my
last words on the subject, because just like you, I am learning.  Just
like you, I am groping along, one step at a time.  This is just to
share with you, especially the younger brothers/sisters, from the
heart of a brother who is very passionate about you.

Have a great day!  Happy New Year!

Hoanh
______________

On 12/27/06, Tran Dinh Hoanh <tdhoanh at gmail.com> wrote:
> Dear CACC,
>
> I am often asked by younger brothers/sisters this question:  What
> is/are the secret(s) of success in life?  And of course, being a good
> brother, I always try to come up with some response.  But of course,
> you can imagine that this is a very difficult and loaded question, and
> most answering attempts are bound to be  incomplete.
>
> But in this festive season, when we have time to reflect upon life a
> little (if we don't get drunk with all the booze out there :-) , I
> wonder if the older VNBIZers would like to share some of your thoughts
> and feelings with our younger brothers/sisters.  (You make the
> judgment whether you belong to the older or younger group.  Obviously,
> I am younger than Uncle Chuck Searcy :-)
>
> You define everything for yourself:  What is your idea of success?  (I
> personally like Minh Ngoc's idea of success in her famous Nature of
> Success article).  What does "success in life" mean?  What does "life"
> encompass?  Job? Career? Reputation? Money? Relationship? Peace of
> mind?  Happiness?
>
> Whatever your standard is, it is correct, because we all live our own
> live, with our own goal and standard.  But assuming that each of us
> has our own road to travel through life, how do we make ourselves a
> successful traveler?
>
> Your answer can be secular, religious or spiritual.  It can be
> idealistic, theoretical or pragmatic.  It can be anything you want.
> But it should come from you heart.
>
> Any wiseman and wisewoman would like to share?
>
> Have a great day!
>
> Hoanh
>
> --
> Tran Dinh Hoanh, LLB, JD
> Attorney of Law
> Washington DC
>


-- 
Tran Dinh Hoanh, LLB, JD
Attorney of Law
Washington DC