[vn-families] Staying connected to Mum (Mother)

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Source: 
http://nationmultimedia.com/2007/08/12/lifestyle/lifestyle_30044700.php

Staying connected to Mum (Mother)

The conflicts that so often arise between child and parent can
be resolved in the recognition of how much is sharedPublished
on August 12, 2007

Children always have difficulties with their parents, and
sometimes it gets out of hand. What can begin with angry
words and then disassociation in the home can devolve into
the youngsters leaving home prematurely. Even in cases where
the relationship is preserved, the child might live nearby and
yet only visit once in a blue moon. Some offspring go to the
extreme of changing their names.

Why do family relationships break down? In the wake of Vietnamese
Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh's visit to Thailand earlier this
year, one of his followers, Sister Cheng Khong, led a five-day
meditation retreat in Chiang Mai.

She told a story about a young boy whose mother angrily called
him "stupid" when he tripped and fell. Later, when his sister
had the same mishap, he treated her the same way his mother
had treated him.

Inheriting negative habits from one's parents is common,
said the senior nun at Plum Village in France and author of
"Learning True Love".

The human tree has three roots, Sister Cheng said - the blood
family, with its ancestral lines; the land family, meaning
homeland and culture; and the spiritual family, referring to
those who cultivate our soul, grace and dignity.

"Your entire blood family is in your genes," she said,
"everything from your biological characteristics to your
artistic talent."

Sister Cheng then conducted an exercise in "non-self" to
emphasise our interconnectedness and demonstrate that no one
is truly independent. It's an exercise that can be adapted to
any situation, any set of circumstances.

With Mother's Day in mind, anyone having difficulties with
their mum might try the following.

First, write out a list of your mother's good points and weak
points. While standing, close your eyes and envision your mother
being alive inside you. Think about how she probably looked
and felt when she was your age, and in what kind of physical
and emotional environment she lived.

Next, lie face down on the floor. Think of all your mother's
negative traits you've written out and let them flow into the
earth below you. Take your time - you have to dispatch into
the earth everything you don't like about your mother.

Then, imagine your mother and say, "I am part of you."

"Writing down her weaknesses is not about focusing on past
mistakes or about you repeating those same mistakes in the
future," Sister Cheng said. "When we feel calm, we have quiet
time to be mindful and examine ourselves, whether we too have
done what we dislike in our mothers."

The non-self exercise should be repeated for 21 consecutive
days, the nun recommended, promising that, in the end, "you
will become a new person".

Freelance writer Tanistha Dansilp, 34, had long been shouldering
a hurt she felt over her belief that her mother treated her
younger brother better than her. Her attempts at reconciliation
only convinced her that her mother didn't care.

"I told her, 'You're not listening to me', and she countered,
'I don't listen to anyone'."

The Chiang Mai retreat, however, gave Tanistha a new sense of
calm - and the awareness that she has many of the very traits
that she dislikes in her mother.

"It was like putting on her shoes," she said. "Even I still
can't change these habits drastically - it would be far more
difficult for her to change at her age."

A 39-year-old office worker who asked that her name not be
mentioned said she was relieved to move away from home and,
although she has no serious conflicts with her mother, she
blames her for not living up to her expectations. She loved
her father more, and didn't feel good about it.

"The non-self exercise helped me detach myself from the idea of
loving one person less or more than another," she said, noting
that she still sees her mother often and they go out to dinner.

"My outward behaviour toward my mum hasn't changed, but there's
more peace in my mind."

In "Cultivating the Mind of Love", Thich Nhat Hanh writes:
"When we take a step on the green earth, we are aware that we
are made of air, sunshine, minerals and water, that we are
a child of earth and sky, linked to all other beings, both
animate and inanimate."

Aree Chaisatien
The Nation